tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post3745222244326482667..comments2023-12-22T04:08:35.462-05:00Comments on Tetanus Burger: Demand ResistanceUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-7566774373584820892015-08-12T14:09:15.926-04:002015-08-12T14:09:15.926-04:00I know this is an older post...but some of your de...I know this is an older post...but some of your demand resistance, esp. if a demand from your father, may come from the fact that his requests may not be reasonable.<br /><br />If it was "you have to alphabetize the cans" or "turn the radio off in the car before you turn the engine off" or "use a new towel every shower" or whatnot you may have had reason to say "NO!"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-38221430721892083912011-02-02T21:19:22.887-05:002011-02-02T21:19:22.887-05:00>>...a bit of recognition there manifesting ...>>...a bit of recognition there manifesting as a surge of murderous rage>><br /><br />Oh, dear, maybe sometime in the future. With a pitcher of margaritas close at hand, or at the very least, excellent chocolate.<br /><br />H.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-34517465464929520182011-01-31T01:08:51.692-05:002011-01-31T01:08:51.692-05:00at vacation time, says the family will be spending...<i>at vacation time, says the family will be spending vacation underground in the backyard bomb shelter instead.</i><br /><br />Oh yeah a bit of recognition there manifesting as a surge of murderous rage. Well. It sounds like a good story, but I'm not sure I could handle reading it!Thalianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-90055723896847815102011-01-30T10:16:04.205-05:002011-01-30T10:16:04.205-05:00I'm so sorry you and your sister lived this ni...I'm so sorry you and your sister lived this nightmare while you were growing up. You're about my age and I'm from Massachusetts; you could have been my schoolmates, and I never would have known. My family has its own issues, but not hoarding, and nothing like you've described.<br /><br />Re: parents with control issues - reading some of your blog entries makes me think of the short story "Disneyland", by Barbara Gowdy. It's told from the perspective of three sisters, whose controlling fathers tells them he's taking the family to Disneyland for two weeks then, six months later, at vacation time, says the family will be spending vacation underground in the backyard bomb shelter instead. Horrifying, hilarious, and poignant. I think some of the best humor is fueled by underlying anger being processed.<br /><br />Keep on processing.<br /><br />H.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-72593278727050850222011-01-30T00:25:39.600-05:002011-01-30T00:25:39.600-05:00Holy fuck, B. So sorry we have so many similar ex...Holy fuck, B. So sorry we have so many similar experiences. <br /><br />There is a really really marvellous Yahoo group for children of hoarders, have you seen it?<br /><br />http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/<br /><br />You know I don't know if it'll cut off that url, so here's an html'd link:<br /><br /><a href="http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/" rel="nofollow">Here.</a><br /><br />If you haven't been there, the people there are very very smart, and can not only commiserate, but can offer lots of practical advice too. I can't recommend the place highly enough.Thaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09948272740932982138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-91350031693781889132011-01-28T22:41:09.312-05:002011-01-28T22:41:09.312-05:00I can sympathize with almost everything you have w...I can sympathize with almost everything you have written about. My mom is an indiscriminate hoarder, trash & other stuff strewed throughout the house, garage, yard, no attempt at organization or like with like, but luckily no big heavy cars & metals. <br /><br />I've known she has had control issues, paranoia (supposedly schizo) & the hoarding, but never really associated the hoarding with MOST of the control issues per se.<br /><br />At least you got as warm as 55 degrees. We had NO heat for most of our childhood & even in Alabama it gets colder than that. Having no AC was unbearable summers. (We had one window unit we weren't allowed to use, but we learned to run it a while, shut it off & let it hotten back up before she got home). We couldn't call anyone. She was charged for outgoing calls. We had hot or lukewarm water, at least as far as I recall. We couldn't flush unless we peed in it about 10x or had pooped before doing so. No locks or any privacy except her bedroom door. Couldn't change a tampon with any privacy let alone poop or shower. We had the inevitable leaky tub faucet, which lead to rotted wood in the wall between it & our hall, and ultimately the floor. We bred AKC pups & one fell through the floor (hole) to the basement, hitting a pipe on the way. He was a little slow afterwards. She just passed it off as the runt, which it was. When our 70's furnace died, she wouldn't let anyone in to fix it. I used to sleep in my clothes for the next day or dress under the covers. Sis used to dry off with a hairdryer. Food. Whole other story. Mom worked 2 FT jobs, not because we needed the money, but "to buy more things" (that we never saw; we also were not on welfare, food stamps, or free lunches, though she was raising 4 girls on her own). She eventually quit buying groceries (she didn't cook em anyway), & what few non-perishables she did buy, mainly her diet pepsi & Little Debbie cream pies were locked in her bedroom. (Same as your cookies, except we liked those). If she got mad at us, there went our TV, clothes & favorite things in her locked room too. Bc my older sis spent her lunch money on junk food, when I got to middle school, I didn't get lunch money. Then my older sis had a job & I had to steal her money to buy my lunch. Our clothes washer died & I had to wash my clothes (around age of 13?) in the tub. It was my job in the summer to clean the attic "junk room" (where the hoarding started); again w/ no AC, no ventilation or windows & not even a fan. I had to step outside just to breathe. I couldn't throw anything out which I did & then faced her wrath. As my grandparents got older, she moved in with them, abandoning the old home. Sis tried to clean it, but I guess abandoned it. Not sure what, how much they salvaged or moved. Mom sold the house (for the land obviously) w/out even telling me & by the time she let the secret slip, it was bulldozed, rebuilt & on the market. Had to have a realtor friend show it to me. Good thing there was no good childhood memories to lament (mom was abusive in EVERY sense of the word as well as neglectful), but still, it WAS my childhood home. Now my grandparents house is as bad or worse. None of us have been allowed (as if we'd want to) to step in or stop for 9 yrs, 6 months after our grandmother died & she moved in permanently. She's never in her life apologized to anyone for anything. She hoards emotions as well. She's said I love you to me once. Ever. Love was a 4 letter (bad) word in our house.<br />You two could be my long-lost sisters!<br /><br />-BAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-86149245061080787062011-01-22T23:22:13.471-05:002011-01-22T23:22:13.471-05:00One of my father's favourite sayings was, '...One of my father's favourite sayings was, 'lie down with dogs, get up with fleas' - my father was not so different to yours: he just had less acreage on which to hoard his crap. Demand resistance, from my perspective, is a bloody healthy response: an indication that you have healthy boundaries and are able to assert, enforce and patrol them. I think demand resistance is what survivors of a parent/partner with OCPD develop as protection, while you are delousing yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-53508303239361158992011-01-20T15:54:57.685-05:002011-01-20T15:54:57.685-05:00"Fleas" -- what a PERFECT word for that ..."Fleas" -- what a PERFECT word for that concept!! I've scratched a few in my time too. Now I've got a name for them!Debra She Who Seekshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01845703092794695023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-39551213639117941772011-01-20T09:30:51.313-05:002011-01-20T09:30:51.313-05:00Thankyou for your post..it's going to keep me ...Thankyou for your post..it's going to keep me thinking for the rest of the day lol. No is my favorite word...and I understand a few of the reasons for that..although I never really associated it w/ my father and the abuse. But then I've never understood what his mental issues were..he died in a ditch at age 32 and I'm just grateful.<br /><br />And I remember in mabye 2nd grade realizing that not all fathers were like mine..that not all kids were terrified of their dad. At 37 I'm still in awe of those who can speak of their parents w/ love and respect. <br /><br />Congrats on recognizing it and accepting it I still have a few "fleas" or ticks as I call them that I am working on eliminating for myself.<br /><br />MichelleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-27105494621974625762011-01-19T11:14:10.729-05:002011-01-19T11:14:10.729-05:00Everything your parents do is normal.
At the fir...Everything your parents do is normal. <br /><br />At the first meeting with our son's psychologist she asked "any history of mental illness in the family?". My partner said "Nope, nothing..." I looked at him in disbelief and he said "well, my mom is bipolar, but nothing else." And then the shrink asked him some leading questions ("how was that for you growing up?" "did you ever wonder about that behavior?) and he just shrugged. It was fine. Fine. Never noticed anything weird.<br /><br />Also, my mom this year: "Your dad isn't an alcoholic, he's just an asshole." Aha. Also she was totally never codependent and never pretended bad shit was normal and fine.Rosanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-1151174009337036402011-01-19T05:30:44.367-05:002011-01-19T05:30:44.367-05:00Thalia, I read this several times yesterday and wa...Thalia, I read this several times yesterday and wanted to comment but didn't know what to say. Your self-awareness astounds me. Many people live to be old and gray without ever seeing themselves and their families so clearly.<br /><br />I applaud you!<br /><br />Ruth in KentuckyNanaRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08010735768444838698noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-77309352767828403852011-01-18T18:52:05.476-05:002011-01-18T18:52:05.476-05:00I still think only rich people have swimming pools...I still think only rich people have swimming pools. That's not true?<br /><br />We did know that other people had hot water (and were ashamed that we didn't; I never had friends over for a sleep-over); what we didn't understand was <i>why</i> we didn't. Because my father's behavior was normal, right? It's only very very recently, like in the last two years, that I've found a name for what he had. Before that, I knew it wasn't quite right but I was completely baffled. To the point where I couldn't even explain it to anyone.Thaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09948272740932982138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101965020061723845.post-76681899593226877142011-01-18T13:19:37.724-05:002011-01-18T13:19:37.724-05:00Gotta admit, your demand resistance fleas are much...Gotta admit, your demand resistance fleas are much more reasonable than my time fleas.<br /><br />People who shake their heads and ask, "How could you not know that was abnormal?" - how would you KNOW? If you grew up with pink skies, you'd think that blue skies were kind of freaky. Did you & Tara KNOW that other families had things like hot water in the bathroom, or was it like me thinking only the rich kids had their own swimming pool?The Writing Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14577032840574632179noreply@blogger.com